My last post was dark. I’ve always said writing is my outlet. My coping mechanism. I don’t regret getting that deep on my blog. I do regret sharing my blog with family and friends. Jokes on me for thinking the internet was a safe space. Sharing my thoughts for everyone to read just makes things 10x harder.
Being told things like “well you wrote it for everyone to read” or “when you share things people are allowed to make comments.” Why should I feel guilty for openly sharing my personal feelings on my first hand experiences? Probably because we live in a society that glorifies people struggling in silence. Black women especially are always supposed to be “strong”. We aren’t allowed to share how we really feel. Soon as I open my mouth and express something it comes across as “harsh”, “disrespectful”, “negative”, “pushy”, “inconsiderate” or “selfish”. Oh I forgot I’m just supposed to sit here and look cute. God forbid I have feelings and express a emotion outside of happiness. I have to keep everyone else’s feelings in mind and stroke everyone else’s ego. Fuck that. I’m tired of that shit.
When I share how I am handling things and how I’m dealing with my hardships, I am gaslighted because “we love you and don’t want you to feel alone”. But when you actually need help, 🦗 🦗🦗 *crickets*.
I finally got a new car to replace the one that was stolen. I love my new car but it also terrifies me. It’s a fucked up feeling knowing anyone can take something from you whenever they feel like it and it’s not much you can do. It’s a fucked up feeling when it feels like shit just keeps happening to you. When you fear getting attached to something because who knows what may happen next. 2020 has affected me not only financially but emotionally. Contrary to popular belief, my life isn’t a fucking fairytale. I hurt ALOT.
I’m also a dog mom now. We got a new puppy about a month ago. An emotional support pet felt like a good idea. I’m super excited about my puppy but with the extra responsibly and bills it’s hard not to worry. It is just something else I have to mentally work through. Of course my family didn’t think it was a good idea to get a puppy at a time like this. I now totally understand why people move away and never really talk to their family.
This pandemic has changed my life. Career wise everything has been put on hold, I am temporarily working at a market. Events have cease, so I won’t be planning anything anytime soon. Last month after my car was stolen I didn’t have a car for over a month. I’ve had to depend on others for transportation to and from work. Trying to process all these changes while also having people expect you to not show it, can be crippling.
I’m doing my best to take care of me but I feel like I am massively failing. This is a new level of self care and mental health I wasn’t prepared for. If only my problems didn’t stem from money then I could at least afford a therapist.
Love you guys. I understand most of us are doing our beat to paint smiles on. It is difficult. We are all just trying to figure it out. Health wise, financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically the whole nation is in chaos right now. That is just a fact. So if you are choosing to actively avoid the news and live in denial, if you are choosing to pretend like the world isn’t hurting right now because it hasn’t directly affected you, if you are gaslighting people who are going through shit right now, GO TO HELL! You are apart of the problem.
As an essential worker, I am the one wearing a mask 40 hours a week. As an grocery store worker, I am the one dealing with the public everyday! As an black woman, I am the one mentally arming myself to deal with another hashtag. As well as dealing with “white allies” who get warm fuzzies when they march for a week or post on social media. All while trying not to drown in the expensive ass Bay Area.
Again, I apologize for the inconsistency this year. I’ve just been feeling extremely uninspired.
Don’t be surprised if one day I announce that I’ve picked up and moved to another country.
Thank you for reading y’all. I’ll be back when life sucks a little less.