Happy Wednesday everyone,
Last week was a week from hell to say the least.
I know you all probably want to know what happened and why I got fired but for legal reasons I won’t be publicly sharing that information just yet. But while I was waiting in a Federal building yesterday, trying to piece together my life I wrote this:
Have you ever felt alone even while you are surrounded by so many people who seem to care? Like things aren’t horrible but I’m watching as shit fall apart. I’m not in the hospital so I’m expected to still move forward. I’m not on my death bed so things could be worst. Explaining the way I feel to others just sounds like whining and complaining. The reality is everyone has their own shit they’re dealing with. My feelings aren’t valid because I should be thankful. There’s people out there going through way worst.
“Lower your voice” “Look me in the eye” “Why do you have an attitude?” “Do you not want to be here?”
Any sign of passion is automatically a threat or problem. Naively I thought it was just my skin color that posed the threat in society. But when other women with the same color hue as me shows uncharacterized hate I knew I was sadly mistaken. What to do when I am automatically seen as a threat to people who don’t even know me. I’m normally a “Never let them see you sweat” “Don’t let anyone stop you” kind of woman but when I am made a target just by existing shit gets tough. I feel like I am constantly put in rivalries I didn’t ask to be apart of. You would think I’m in high school fighting girls at lunch instead of grown ass “educated” black women.
All I’ve ever tried to do is mind my business.
I root for everyone black with everything I do. I fight for women’s rights and our voices to be heard every single day. But yet and still I am constantly being put down by another woman. It hurts most when it’s another black woman. Older black women at that. These are the women who should be paving the way for the younger generations but instead we are clocked as a threat. If only they taught self love and security in those college courses.
Last week wasn’t a great week for me. I am just taking it all day by day. Sometimes I want to run away, give up and say “fuck it”. Most times I feel alone like no matter how much I try to talk about it to other people no one will ever truly understand. I know I have lots of people who love me but most times I don’t feel like anyone’s really listening…
… But God is always at work.
This week is looking a lot brighter. I have multiple interviews lined up for creative positions I can really learn in and companies I can grow with. No matter what I am always focused on my personal growth. I have a really amazing support system. I saw a quote online that said “your grandma’s prayers are still protecting you.” I have earthly angels and heavenly angels who will honestly move mountains for me. The honest hard truth is some people will always hate the way others love you.
God is constantly reminding me although I may be down I will never be out.
Thanks for reading & we’ll talk more next week!