“Quand on pas ce que l’on aime, il faut aimer ce que l’on a”
is a french proverb meaning
“When one doesn’t have what one loves, it’s necessary to love what one has.”
This week I wanted to reflect on my weekend celebrating my partner, Aaron’s birthday and my grandma’s birthday. (my new guardian angel)
Aaron’s birthday was on Friday, March 22nd and my grandma’s was Saturday the 23rd.
Grieving is hard, really hard. I’ve tried to stay busy to keep my mind off things. The unfortunate part about that is eventually you burn yourself out. Avoidance isn’t the answer; you have to allow yourself to work through your feelings.
Aaron and I moving into our new place became a great distraction for me. I didn’t have time to sit in my room and cry alone thinking about my grandma. We found a great affordable place so my new focus was moving out of my studio and into our new place. Since this was something we had been working on for years it was a bit of sunshine during this dark time.
This is my first time losing someone this close to me. I want to say I am okay and that I have my emotions under control but I can’t. Sometimes I just randomly cry for no reason. I’ve cried every time I thought of her birthday coming up. I’m crying right now as I write this lol Anyways her birthday is the day after Aaron’s and celebrating was a struggle this year. It has been two months and I’m still trying to get used to the fact that she’s not here. I can’t call her to talk to her or go to her house to see her. We couldn’t take her out to eat this year and sing Happy Birthday to her.
I was hoping to have our place together in time for Aaron’s birthday so I could throw a housewarming / birthday bash. Somehow I was going to be superwoman and move out of my studio, furnish our apartment while planning a party and grieving. Well I’m sure you can imagine that I was in for a rude awakening.
I was in a rush to find a good affordable couch so that our friends could have some where to sit lol. So far we have a dining room set, kitchen utensils, plants, and bedroom furniture. I considered having a pillow party where everyone sat on decorative pillows but I was running out of time and ideas. To add fuel to the fire aunt flow came to town this week so my patience and temper were both very short.
To kick off his birthday weekend, I bought Aaron a red Adidas coat because he loves Adidas and the color red. After my anxiety class last Wednesday, I decided I needed to relax so I went to get a reflexology massage. Well what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t include the birthday boy. I bought him a gift certificate to get a massage on his day off. He didn’t have to work on Thursday so I sent him to get a massage. When he came home that night I set up 27 balloons in the living room, confetti, strawberry cheesecake with rainbow candles, and coffee ice cream (his fav). I sang Happy Birthday to him, we had a photo shoot, watched Netflix and ate Taco Bell (his other fav) at midnight to bring in his birthday.
When I realized that I wasn’t going to have the house ready in time for his birthday, Aaron called some friends and was able to reserve a VIP section at Blue Dream, an art bar in West Oakland. On Friday, we celebrated Aaron’s birthday partying with our close friends and some family, eating custom made Hennessy cupcakes, and he was able to live body paint. Everything didn’t go as planned but strangely it turn out better than I imagined.
On Saturday, we went to the movies with my sister and my dad to see Jordan Peele’s “Us” (A Must-See Movie BTW). After the movie, we drove to my grandma’s grave site. Her tombstone is being engraved so it just an empty space there. Kind of symbolic to how I felt celebrating her birthday for the first time without her. It was a lot to take in but I had to be there for my sister and my dad. Once we left we went to my grandma’s house where we all ate and hung out together for the rest of the night. My uncle bought balloons, cake and ice cream to celebrate. We lit candles outside the house for her. We all really miss her. The house just isn’t the same.
Sunday was Aaron’s final birthday celebration. I bought us tickets to the Museum of 3D Illusions in San Francisco. We had so much innocent fun and laughter. We walked the Pier at Fisherman’s Wharf and visited an art gallery. We saw a live juggling and balancing show before eating seafood on the water. It was such a beautiful weekend. I’m happy I was able to relax and let things work themselves out.
Everything doesn’t have to be planned out. Life doesn’t go as planned. That’s okay.
As we become adults and slip into routines, we forget how to freestyle. We forget how to let go and have fun. Everything becomes too rehearsed and calculated.
While I believe in doing everything with purpose and intention I also hold value in letting things naturally come together. Most of my anxiety comes from overthinking about the future. I stressed myself out about their birthdays coming up when everything naturally worked itself out.
We slowly stop living for ourselves and we start to perform for others. Trying to ‘wow’ everyone or out do the next person is draining and meaningless. We work to live and to please those around us. Whether it’s our boss, parents, significant others, friends, families, or even our kids we learn to perform to please others. I mean the bills have to get paid and we don’t want to let our loved ones down right?
Expectations and responsibilities all sound depressing. Figuring out how to crack the code to a better life. In reality, it’s the small things that are unforgettable. I never reminisce on what my grandma bought me, most times I just miss laying on the couch talking to her. I miss the little things she did that was annoying at the time. Like asking me if I’m hungry 1000 times. lol
These days we make birthdays, weddings, graduations, baby showers etc. such a big event. It’s all about doing it big and living it up. So focused on making it about things and paying less attention to the time spent with our loved ones. Cherish the time, we can’t get these moments back.
With so much going on in the world, I’m learning how to relax and enjoy the now. How to loosen up and be more spontaneous with my time. I try to be so put together that it really only stresses me out more.
Learning healthy practices and exercises to help me unwind and stop overthinking has helped tremendously.
Taking everything one day at a time.
Today March 27th is also me and Aaron’s 3 year anniversary. Three whole years of growing, learning, and loving each other. These past three years have been very transformative for us both. We were both 24 when we met. Fresh out of college, no cars, barely had jobs, living with our parents, and broke AF! Lol now here we are brand new cars, moved into our first apartment together, better jobs, building independent careers, still pretty broke but trying to figure it out. Lol we are no where near where we want to be. We aren’t perfect nor will we ever be. I still over react over the smallest things while he tries to tune out my crazy. haha *rolls eyes*
We’re just two kids trying to figure this love thing out.
Three years later and LOOK MOM NO KIDS
Happy Anniversary babe!!
Thanks for reading & we’ll talk more next week!