“May the flowers remind us why the rain is so necessary”
Happy Wednesday everyone,
Due to everything that’s been going on lately I’ve been withdrawing from alot of my normal activities. At the time I was losing my grandma I also broke off my partnership with a recent business venture. As much as I love putting on events I cant do it in a toxic environment, attached to draining individuals.
As I stated in my last few blog posts I’ve been operating in autopilot lately. My main focus has been my family, my relationship, and grieving. I’m not rushing this process. I’m letting everything flow naturally.
Last week, I had a dream of my grandma, a nightmare really. In my dream I spent Christmas with her. We had a long talk and then she passed away. I was crying in my dream trying to explain to my mom that my grandma knew this was going to happen. My grandma was trying to warn me all this was going to happen and she was leaving. The messed up part is my dream felt freakishly close to reality. In real life, I didn’t spend my whole Christmas day with my grandma but I did see her on Christmas and we did have a talk. In that talk she was explaining to me how she was sick and she was real tired. She was going through alot and wanted to get away from everything. I told her to leave. I told her she needs to get away from all the drama and stress even if that means getting a small place on her own. Of course she was worried about her house. I told her to leave because her peace is what was most important. In no way shape or form did I know that she was going to leave permanently. I just wanted her to get away and get some rest. I guess this is the best rest she could ever get.
With all that being said, I haven’t been sleeping much because it’s still alot to process and I’m really not ready to start dreaming about her. Sometimes I stay up at night and watch old videos of her and look at old pictures. Eventually I want to start writing in the journal she gave me. Not quite ready for that either.
I haven’t done anything creative since this all happened. The most I’ve done is create a new Instagram focused on fashion and visual art. I haven’t really dove back into a business head space because outside of losing someone close to me I’ve been feeling uninspired by lack of trust. It takes trust to go into business with someone. Between the funeral process and disbanding from the business I helped create I’ve felt slighted by people I thought I could trust. Having someone I looked at as a friend and business partner turning on me during a time in my life where I was most vulnerable and emotional, makes me hestitant to jump back into doing business with people.
I have to protect my energy.
Yesterday, I went to a taco Tuesday at Blue Dream hung out with some familiar faces and it felt good. It took me a while to loosen up and relax but I was laughing and smiling in no time. I felt inspired again. I haven’t felt that feeling in a while. I was encouraged to start putting on events again. I helped with video promo for an upcoming event Aaron will be apart of. I start feeling like myself again. When I got home I was researching things and brainstorming ideas, something I haven’t done in months. It reminded me of how much I missed being in my element.
Baby steps. I’m starting to pick back up the pieces of my life.
I am being gentle with myself and reminding myself I don’t have to always be strong. I don’t have to always feel in control. It’s okay to not be okay. I don’t have to rush to fix it either. Some things can’t be fixed, you just pray it gets easier to bare.
I woke up to a message early this morning reminding me of my inspiration on others. At a time where I am feeling my weakest I am still inspiring people. I don’t care about having a huge audience watching me, if I can help other while healing myself my job is done.
In the words of the late and great Tupac:
I am driven by inspiration. I am inspired by many different things and individuals. Things get better. I am writing my own unique story. I don’t have to look and be like anyone else. I am content and inspired by being an individual. Learning my individuality is freeing because I don’t feel pressured to perform or fit into anyone else’s identity. I am embracing and learning the details that make up who I am every single day.
Tragedies, changes, and hard times are apart of life. We cannot prevent them from happening but in times like these it is when I need the most inspiration. I enjoy being surrounded by people who inspire me. Who would have thought something as simple as going out to eat with friends would have such a great effect on my healing process. I was talking myseld out of going the whole time. Lol
Believe or not I actually don’t write to inspire. All of my writing comes from the heart but sometimes I write blogs every week out of obligation. Not that I don’t enjoy writing it’s just hard to find time, energy, or topics I want to prepare and talk about every week. My commitment and dedication bring me here every week. I really just write out what’s on my mind every week. In some weird way it inspires my readers. I’m thankful that my bravery to finally share my writing can touch the lives of others.
I pray that I can make a living off of inspiring others through my creativity. It honestly makes me feel the most alive. I am my most authentic self when I am using my creativity to help propel others. My take away from everything has been that my inspiration, my words, the lives that I’ve touched are worth more than the amount of money I make or things I acquire.
You only live once. Make it count.
Thanks for reading & we’ll talk more next week!