Happy Wednesday everyone,
Still taking everything day by day. Haven’t been feeling like myself since my grandma passed. I feel like a big chunk of me is gone now. Both of my dad’s parents are gone. That’s my whole childhood. Gone. I know I’ll always have memories and pictures and even some videos but it’s such a hard pill to swallow. My cousins and I had such a tight bond with our grandparents. My grandma was my girl. I even lived with her for a year. She helped me in times I was down and out trying to figure this adult thing out. I can’t quite wrap my mind around she’ll never come back.
My grandparents’ house will never feel the same. It will never feel as warm and cozy without them. I miss their house being soooo hot I had to beg her to turn down the heater or turn it off. I still can see my granddad sweeping and waxing the floors while my grandma is sitting in her chair watching The Price is Right or Family Feud. I want to call her and update her on my life or visit her after work just to hear her tell me about all the crazy things she saw on the news. Who’s going to call me and tell me I have mail waiting on me. That house is a mecca in our family. That house has been the most stable thing in my life. That house is Oakland for me and it’ll never feel the same again.
It’s been heavy on my heart to finally get my first tattoo. I wanted to get something with meaning. Something that will make me happy when I look at it. Something I won’t regret. On Monday, Martin Luther King day I went and got a tattoo in remembrance of my grandparents. I knew I wanted to get our last name Lowe but I was unsure of the symbol at first. My first idea was doves but I was given other ideas by family and friends. I had the tattoo artist sketch out three ideas: my last name next to doves, my last name through an infinity symbol, and my last name through a pulse symbol. Of the three, two doves representing my grandparents was my favorite. My two angels. Doves symbolize peace that’s how I want to remember them. At peace flying high watching over their children.
“The dove represents peace of the deepest kind. It soothes and quiets our worried or troubled thoughts, enabling us to find renewal in the silence of the mind. … The dove’s roles as spirit messenger, maternal symbol and liaison impart an inner peace that helps us to go about our lives calmly and with purpose.”
The dove in the front is my grandfather leading the way. The second dove holding the flower is my new angel, my grandma. I wanted the tattoo somewhere I could see it everyday. So I chose to get it on my wrist. I’m really excited that it turned out so perfect. While I was getting the tattoo the shop was playing Otis Redding songs, my grandpas favorite singer. That was even more confirmation that this was meant to happen. This small gesture has actually helped with the grieving process. Shit is still hard. It’s still a struggle to paint on a smile and go to work everyday. It’s a struggle going back to everyday life trying to get used to my new normal. I know they are both in a better place now but I wasn’t ready yet. They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. In this case that is so true. Although I spent time with her and have so many memories I just didn’t expect anything like this to happen so soon. She just sent me pictures of her wearing her 2019 glasses celebrating the New Year.
Anyway, I know you all are probably tired of reading about this but writing is how I heal. This helps me communicate the things that are hard to say out loud. Life is short. God gives and God takes away. That’s the cold hard truth of this world we live in.
Through the storm, God is still working. I have some very exciting things happening. In the midst of losing my grandma, I also discontinued my business venture Claim Your Crown Fest. This blog isn’t to bash anyone or gossip. I also choose not to put energy into negativity on my platform. Things fall apart so that better things can come together. I will have some exciting news to share in the next few weeks so stay tuned.
Thanks for reading & we’ll talk more next week!